August 8, 2011

The Transition/ Stop Hating Your Body!

Seeing this picture reminds me of middle school year where every girl was jealous of that one girl with fair skin, long flowing hair, Big breasts and size 1 jeans.
During my year 6 I vaguely remember admiring that girl, because no, I was not chubby or overweight or anything but I was actually very small chested, and very plain. I didn't even KNOW what make up was at that time. I wore 2 braids infront of my head where my bangs now are and my family called them 'Devil Horns'. I was that one androgynous looking 6th grader dressed in all black who ignored everyone's bullshitty gossip and just minded her business. But even I secretly admired that one pretty popular skinny girl. All the guys wanted her, all the girls wanted to be her. Now, I was a hell of a monster during my Middle School years, always fighting and getting sent to the principal's office. I went through a tragic experience in 7th grade that caused me to just up and dissapear from SC and move into Charlotte, NC with my father for about 1/2 years. Now, I was pretty bothered and shaken by the incident that happened but after that I slowly started making a transition into something wonderful, something that made me FEEL beautiful, a gyaru. Now, At the age of around 11/12 I didn't exactly KNOW what a gyaru was but looking back on it now I did see plenty of them in Charlotte. Beautiful tan skinned asians or mixed ethnicities with wide eyes, contact lens, dyed hair. It was like fashion galore and once I got a tiny taste I remembered wanting to be there, Wanting that.
With lots of good behavior, My father let me get those types of clothing as rewards although I would purposely get things I knew I couldn't at the time fit just for when I got older. Now, I went through a lot in Charlotte as well and then found myself rushed back to SC for Christmas and spending 8th grade year back down here. I had changed, from the androgynous looking weirdo to something pretty, I had nice straight hair, arched brows, a natural B cup and a nice figure! And I heard plenty of shitty rumors about me getting surgery or whatever dumb ass things people love saying. I was like "Wtf? I'm only 13, Why the hell would I even be THINKING about surgery?" Since I was actually a hardcore nerd and a major bookworm around my 8th grade year. I had left looking creepy, and coming back more beautiful than most wanted to remember. Guys noticed me more, girls wanted to be my friend but I couldn't help but think it might have all been a bit shallow? Around 9th grade year I started to slowly realize, "Oh my God...There are SO many beautiful women!" Around 9th grade year girls who were skinny like twigs and talking about vomitting up their lunches disgusted the fuck out of me, I thought "Why would you do vulgar things like that to your body just to maintain such a disgusting looking shape?" And I stopped envying those super thin girls. I started seeing my own body in a different light, No. I'm not skinny at all! I'm 103.3 lbs and I am pretty shaply, I wear size 3 or 5 jeans now! My bra size now is...2 sizes bigger than it was in like 8th grad and I ALWAYS have to shop around the kids/petite's isle. I used to HATE looking in the mirror, and I used to find myself pretty ugly. But when I started to realize how people could be beautiful in any different way I begun to fall in love with myself. When I met Kenny in 2010 I found out that I didn't need to be some white girl. Because he was able to love me as Yumi, The African American,Japanese,Indian girl. And not Yumi, Some white girl. I am prideful that he loves me the way I am. No, I'm not super petite, but I'm not huge either. I admire some girls who wear Plus size. Girls who have a lot of confidence make me proud. I had lived a life hiding myself from the world because I felt like I wasn't beautiful enough. But even BEFORE Kenny I was realizing that everyone around me was beautiful in their own different ways. The girl from China and the group of females from Russia were my best friends during 9th grade along with a few others! I was SO close to all of them! They took me in and loved and cared about me despite me being different. During break I ALWAYS hung around the Foreign room and making friends with the different kids! It was amazing! Different cultures, different languages, I am in love with that room and even this year as a Junior I plan to hang around there once more and make even newer friends.
10th grade year REALLY opened my eyes to this fact of body hatred, I watched girls abuse their bodies by vomiting, starving. I saw things that made me sad. I was in shock that people would do that to themselves, Is being so thin really worth it? Because personally, I don't think so. I never stuck a toothbrush or anything down my throat. For those with Anorexia, I can excuse it because it's a disorder, but someone who has NO ailments and is just doing it because' Omg, Paris Hilton." Then you need to STFU, and realize you ARE beautiful even though you're NOT fucking fitting size 1 jeans! EVERY race is beautiful, Every color is beautiful, every face is wonderful. We're unique, that's a good thing that we're not all alike. And we should ALL be proud of how we look, who we are.
You are SO pretty even though you cannot see it! Remember that I used to walk down the halls trying to figure out how I could go from size 3 jeans to size 0!! Okay?! Remember that! You are so lovely the way you look!!
I just want all of you girls to know...

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